#21 in the life of Aksh

I am back from Jodhpur. And, instead of focusing on the trip, I want to realize the difference it makes when you come home after relaxing. Let's just say that I am now super observant — I am noticing things and details that I would usually ignore.

Also, I am better on my schedule with reduced stress levels, and reduced strain on my eyes. So, everything is helping. The one thing that I need to fix now is my diet. Honestly, the hospitality in Jodhpur is infectious. I ate a LOT. Like, so much so that I couldn't stand after eating. So, now that I am back, I would resort to lighter meals and more organized diet. I wouldn't want to become heavy just because of my diet. While that rarely happens in my case, it's still a possibility.


What else? I wanted to continue the story of my first date. I have been thinking about my conversation with her, and I realized that perhaps, I came in way too strong in the beginning. I opened up to share the intricate details of how I operate (mechanically, rather than naturally), which must have made her feel that I am a robot, and not a human. Even stating my schedule to her felt like an hour-by-hour rundown of events. Clearly, I didn't know what I had to say, and she must have found that weird. I mean, who talks like that?
Let's just say that I am new to the process of communicating feelings. My idea was that if I were to spend a lifetime with someone, I might as well start giving out all the details of who I am. That way, they would get to know me better. As it turns out, they are more concerned about understanding my habits instead of the rigorous schedule that I follow. After all, the schedules can be accommodated when you have a new person in your life. So, I wanted to show her that I am supportive and understanding, but it definitely didn't come out that way.

Anyway, like I said in my previous post, after our first date, she didn't respond — no text, nothing. So, I got a hint that she probably doesn't want to talk, and was being polite by not rejecting me on my face. While that was assuring, I wanted to get a confirmation from her. So, here is what I did:
I wrote her a letter saying that I have a feeling that we won't talk anymore. So, a s a closing note, here are few resources that I wanted to share with you. Then, I listed out all the bits from our conversation in the last week — whatever we talked about, what I wanted to share with her, what I felt like she could benefit from in her every day work, what I knew would make her smile, and the like. The detailed contents of that letter is out of the scope of this blog (too private info), but you can understand that it's not normal to do that.
As far as I am concerned, I didn't care. I wanted to share that, and to close things off with her. At the end, I signed the letter with a quote that reflected her name, and wished her good luck.

Let's talk about how I sent that letter to her. The organized me has a way to personalize things. So, I created a webpage and made it public with a custom link that had her name on it. Then, I shared that custom link with her on chat (and nothing else for context).
She clicked on it and was grateful for everything that I had shared. While we didn't talk about the fact that we weren't talking, we politely went away as we realized that it didn't work out.
I shared a version of this process with Mom and Dad, letting them know that I had informed her, and that it didn't work out. Sharing the details would have been like, what's wrong with you! So, I omitted that part.
So, that's all that I wanted to write about.


I keep my eyes closed as I imagine the moment and then type out my thoughts. So, if there are a few spelling mistakes/type corrections in this message, please ignore them.

Before I go, I wanted to say that I did what I did because I wanted to make her feel that she would not find anyone who is cares for her like that. Whether we meet again or not is separate. But, I am someone who should at least be made a friend.
I've been told that my life has too much of "me" and I am trying to fix that. I don't share my feelings much, and I am starting to work on that. Let's hope that the next time I meet someone, I am prepped to take it lightly and make them comfortable.

Until then, don't over-express when you meet someone for the first time. Who knows which route that would take!
Akshansh.